Why Do I Bother?: Trying To Break The Cycle
Sometimes, I wonder why do I even bother.
Every time I feel like I have made a breakthrough with my mother, something happens that makes it seem like nothing's changed.
She has a knack for making me feel like I am less than nothing and yet like a puppy I keep running back. I seem to want to have her approval, but I never get it.
I hate feeling like this. I hate putting myself in a position where I feel like I have something to prove. The only person that I should feel this way is myself. This explains why I get so hellbent on doing things on my own without seeking the help of others. I don't like feeling like I am a burden on anyone, so I try my hardest to not rely on anyone. But it doesn't always work.
I know that I am not perfect, but I feel that she expects me to be. She just does things that make you feel that things that you have accomplished thus far don't mean anything. I mean, I can still remember a conversation I had with her about two years ago, where I was basically told that I wasn't doing anything for myself, but living off of her. Which in my mind it wasn't like that. I had a tough time and was trying to deal with it on my own. She didn't understand or want to understand. It just fell on my shoulders. Me, the screw up kid that was making my mother's life a living hell. That's b.s.
I know that I have my hangups. Then again, who the hell doesn't? Every person on this earth has something about them that someone else can't stand. That's just the way it is.
I am so tired of feeling like this. I don't know what to do anymore. The more she says something, the more I find myself pulling away.
I just can't deal anymore. Something has to give. I need help. HELP!