Quest to Getting Back On My Horse #15: Depression Settling In
|Pic taken from amothersheritage.wordpress.com|
It's early Wednesday morning. Surprisingly, I'm not tired. Then again as the days go by I find myself getting rather anxious. Anxious about what you ask?
For starters, it is exactly one week since I worked at ROQueen (not the company's real name) and I have to call Metropolitan Staffing to see if my one-day check is available. If it is, then I head into the city to pick it up. However, I am afraid that my joy from receiving my first check in months just might be short-lived. My phone bill is due today, so my so-called victory is rapidly declining. In addition, I am beginning to feel the onset of depression coming on.
I have responded to countless people either on Craigslist, Careerbuilder and especially Indeed. And yet no response. I have a Linkedin account that gets a glance every once in a while, but nothing. Numerous email notifications saying "thank you for applying with us, someone will be contacting you in the next few days about this opportunity." And you guessed it...NOTHING.
......And then the Depression came.......
Then the depression kicked in shortly thereafter. I was in therapy for sometime and some days I seemed to get a bit better then something would happen that would send me right back down to my low point. To most of my friends, I hadn't mentioned it but there were times that I thought about suicide. Losing my job coupled with things that were going on at home, I couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes I tried to smile, but deep down I felt like an underachiever. I had completed my Bachelor's and then I bombed out at a job that I had been working out for almost 3 years. (I got fired 6 days short of my 3rd year.) I had become so miserable at this place that I started doing things that you shouldn't do. I was chronically late and I lacked focus. It was no wonder that they kept me for as long as they did. They gave me chance after chance and I blew each and every one of them. But it wasn't until I realized that the reason why I was depressed so much was because it was the way that I left the job. I was saddened because I didn't leave on my own terms, like how I wanted to. I was canned.
So I began trying to look for work. Good move right? Wrong! Although it was a great thing that I began to pick up the pieces, unfortunately I carried the baggage from my lost job. Every move I made I was reminded of that place. I was obsessed. Not a day went by that I didn't curse myself or them for what happened. However, I knew that it was ultimately my own doing that caused my firing. So I pressed on. I stepped up my efforts. I mean, I really looked for work.
It is heart-wrenching sometimes because it is not without a lack of trying. I so desperately want a fresh start of sorts because I wanted to get out of this rut that I have been in for the past 2 years. In and out of jobs, trying out for jobs where I didn't make the cut. It hurts. A whole lot it at that. I know that I have the experience but now I start to think, "Who in their right mind wants to hire you?" After a bunch of 'NOs' who really wants to deal with that? But then I look at my guy.
Things haven't been easy on him either and I don't know how he does it without going insane himself. He has been struggling just as much as me if not harder and longer. He still hasn't given up hope of finding work. *sigh* That's why I love him.
There are days when I really want to give up but I find that last bit of hope and I reach down deep. I still push on. For some reason beyond comprehension, I still keep moving. A part of me that refuses to quit despite the odds. And believe me there are times that the odds are just seemingly stacked.
Sometimes I look at my friends that are working and I get a little envious. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. They work hard to support themselves and their growing families. And then there is me. On the sidelines praying for the Job Coach to put me in the game. I sit here and keep thinking someday it'll be my turn soon. Fingers crossed. Hopefully I won't have to wait much longer.
What do you guys think?