Awakening: Part One - Marriage

Well, this weekend was interesting.

The weekend had started off rocky with an argument with my other half. (Yeah those are never fun.) But it wasn't the argument that really made me realize a few things about myself.

After the proverbial dust had settled, I told him things that had been bothering me for sometime.

For the past couple of years, I have found myself yearning for things. Things that I thought would never be me.

I noticed that I have dodged this subject for the past three to four years. As much as I tried to avoid it it always kept staring me in the face. I realized that for the first time ever that I wanted to get married. I have been to one wedding since I reached adulthood and it was beautiful. Since then I have seen pictures via Facebook of happy newlywed couples. When I see this I usually smile and click 'like' and keep it moving. However, there is that sadness in me that creeps up on me. The reality that its not me in those photos and that's not my guy standing next to me.

If anyone knows me personally, I assumed the role of the guy. You know, the one that is scared of the mere concept of getting married and having kids. I deluded myself for so long, thinking that that was the way to go and hoping that he would understand. However, this was not the case. Instead I continued to 'run like scared bunny' as he said and dodge all discussions concerning marriage.

With tears in my eyes I told him that I was fed up feeling like I didn't think that I couldn't get married. I want children. At 30, a lot of people that I know already had at least two kids. So what was wrong with me????

Well, I knew the many factors that came into play. I was still living at home, unemployed and therefore not financially capable of providing for myself and a child. Its crushing because I feel like I was wasting away and missing out on the joys of motherhood and married life.

I mean I look at my friend Nellie and she and her husband seem to be doing fine with their two beautiful boys. When she asked me or a mutual friend asked me about marriage I used to give them that 'HELL NO' look. Deep down I was just scared of the idea. I mean why should I? I have been with this man for almost 8 years and we know each other for practically 14 altogether. He makes me smile. He's sweet and compassionate. However, he can get on my nerves with some of things he tends to do. But what's love if they can't get on your nerves at least once, right?

But then I see the situation with my friend that I told you about. Her husband cheated on her and they were only 8 months into their marriage. I am so afraid of that happening to us. I know that they were together for a shorter time than my guy and myself, but it still makes the wheels turn in my head.

What do you think? Do I have something to fear if and when I decide to get married? Or Am I worrying over nothing?


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