It's That Time Again!

So it's December. I'm feeling even less in the holiday spirit than ever before. I think that with everything that has happened over the course of the year, the only thing I'm really thankful for is that I'm happy to be still alive. However, most of the time I don't feel all that happy.

Don't get me wrong....I do plan on buying Christmas presents, I just don't feel like singing the carols or putting up decorations. I mean, just having Thanksgiving with my mother was awkward and I rather not go through that again. It felt wrong. And I'm to be fine with it I guess and act like what happened over the summer didn't happen. But memories just don't fade away just because you want them to. And my feelings if rarely change depending on a situation. Sometimes I feel that this ol' heart of mine has gotten too cold towards certain things in life. Maybe because it has to do with outside forces or my personal doing. Well, whatever it is, it seems to keep me in limbo.

Sometimes I wish to feel nothing. Hoping that it would make things easier. However, I'm still forced to play this part. I guess it is true what they say "The world is a stage and we are just actors in a play.' I always liked that saying. To some degree we are all actors in a play. We are told by others how to behave, think, feel, eat, drink, breathe and among other things.

For once I would just love to live for me. I would love to say what I feel without having to feel ashamed of what I said or how I said it. But after all, it's December and it's still time to act out those said feelings.

I am not sure if this blog made any sense, but it sure made sense to me.

Til We Meet Again.

Comments

  1. It made a lot of sense...thats what Im doing now. You may think that acting out of selfish impulse is selfish but that is what you call the pursuit of happiness. It is a God given man taken and american FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT. I recommend that you do as you describe a longing for and do what you feel will satisfy you as far as not only dealing but living. You have people in your life that I believe will be refreshed and in turn will refresh you. I for one have been following along your entries and I am trying to let go of the past while being mindful of its events towards my future. Life is your fight. no one else gets to fight it...so no one else dictates it. If that makes any sense.

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