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Genesis Is In Need Of Some Soul Searching Pt. 2 and Pt.3

........As I made my way through the streets of Brooklyn in this hellish weather, my mind was focused on "Viva La Vida." Coldplay blared through my headphones. I can't describe the feelings that are surging throughout my body. But what I do know is that my mind was thinking about how I got to this point in my life. As, old as I am can I really afford to look back and have a reflective moment? As if I were on my death band and playing a montage of memories in my head as I slip into the Great Beyond? Wow, that is just too much to think about at my age. How did I get things so wrong? What did I do that was so bad? For the pas year, I have been living with this burden on my shoulders that I can't seem to shake.

So what is this burden that has me walking through heatstroke weather listening to Coldplay songs and wondering why did I get so many things wrong? Now, I'm thinking like "Wow." A lot sure can happen since I started this journey.  I felt my heart get deeper and deeper into what has now become my dreadful friend, Depression. I keep going over the situations that brought me here over and over. I'm becoming frustrated with myself because I don't understand. Once I arrived at my destination and the rage was that had arisen was at war with my being. I didn't want to succumb to it. I choked back the tears as I gathered the rest of my memories and walked down Greenday's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" in 90 degree heat.


Pt. 3

It's the next day and I'm still reeling from the day before. I get a call after 9 in the morning. I am going to travel three hours to pick up my mother's wedding dress. Over the course of two hours, I had said yes and said no. Why? What was the point to prove here? I was feeling overwhelmed again but I stuck it out. Kind of like "take one for the team" situations. I am struggling to exist as it is and I wasn't sure as to why I decided to go on this trip.

I had already lost my home and struggling to cope with a new reality for a week. Anxiety is what I feel. I get in the car and we drive off. It feels odd. So out of place. Why am I sitting next to the person that I carry so much disdain towards? Am I that much an idiot? I don't know. Some may say so.

But I found myself as the hours went by that I loosened up. I wasn't so much mad, but just relieved. I was glad to see that she was happy that I went with her on this trip for her wedding dress, but reality was always there to kick me in my ass ever so lovely. We never discussed the notion of me coming back home which I guess that is okay since I am old enough to be on my own. We shopped for supplies and I found a radio for the bbq I was throwing. But overall, it was a odd, funny and simple day.

And oh yeah, about reality kicking my ass.....well, I know the journey ends when you are at your new dwelling and the feelings over loneliness fall over you like a blanket. Only there's nothing comforting there. But I continue to press on and search for what I am looking for.

Til we meet again.


Comments

  1. Tunnel vision sucks since the light seems dim at first but keep following your heart for it is the true illumination in lifes uncertainty.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you. I will most definitely keep that in mind. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. No problem...perhaps I shall stop by more often.

    ReplyDelete

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